I hold a wolf by the ears
by YappiChick
Summary: "They all are afraid of the power I have. Or could have if I could just stop this madness from taking over. Forget the Covenant or the Flood, I could be humanity's biggest threat." Set during Halo 4.
Well, I'm back with another story. This takes place during Halo 4, more specifically, right before "One Last Shot" in the level Midnight. There be angst with a solid dollop of Chief/Cortana something (It IS me, after all.). I guess there's some foreshadowing of H5, in case you haven't played it. As always, hope y'all enjoy.

* * *

They are trying to save the universe. Again.

"The best I can tell, we should be arriving at Earth in three hours, maybe sooner." Cortana does her best to make sure her voice sounds normal, but she fears she is failing even in that simple task.

John looks over at her for a second too long and Cortana realizes what is he thinking and struggling to ask. Finally, he breaks the awkward tension that is settling over the cabin. "Will you…" _live that long?_ is left unspoken.

Part of her wants to shout in anger at his question, another wants to cry at the bleakness of the answer she is forced to give. Somehow, she finds the strength to push aside the emotions bombarding her.

She draws her shoulders back."I should be fine for about 24 hours, maybe more if you pass on a little of that luck of yours to me." She pastes a smile on her face; the action is almost painful. "I'm not just going to leave you alone on the side of the Didact's ship. We've got a mission to finish, after all."

He grunts softly, the only acknowledgement of his brief lapse of faith.

Minutes tick by. Cortana can tell John is nervous - his vitals are slightly more elevated than normal - but she doesn't know if it's because of her deteriorating condition or the impossible mission that is before them.

She needs to fill the void of silence between her and John. All she hears is the thousands - millions - of voice in her head, each shouting to be heard. Without thinking, she raises her hands to her ears to cover them, to try to silence the noise.

"Cortana?" John says her name more frequently now. She wonders if he has even noticed.

She shakes off his question. She doesn't want to confess the truth, that she has lost so much of herself that she is afraid by the time they get to earth, there will be nothing to save.

Certain memories have been sacrificed in the name of rampancy. She can't recall the first time she met John, their escape from the Ark, or even what his face looks like. She wonders how he would react if she asked to see his face, just so she could remember it before succumbing to the madness.

"My face?" His question interrupts her thoughts. It takes her a moment to realize that she has asked the question aloud.

Curiosity hushes her pride. "I...can't remember what it looks like anymore." A soft sigh passes through her lips. "I guess that's what happens when I only saw you with your visor for years."

They both know she shouldn't forget anything; she is grateful when he doesn't make a comment about it. He reaches around the back of his head. The hissing as the pressure releases makes Cortana jump back slightly.

He removes the helmet slowly, never looking away from Cortana. Whatever words remain unspoken by his lips are conveyed through his eyes. She amends her earlier assessment. John isn't nervous.

He is afraid. But not for himself.

For her.

Still, behind the worry is a handsome man that has lived through too many trials and tribulations. Stubble dusts his face, his short hair lies flat on his head. His lips are pressed together, as if he is thinking about saying something, but deciding to remain quiet.

Cortana commits his face to memory, vowing to herself that even it's the last thought she has, this moment will not be taken away from her. "Thanks, Chief."

She expects that he'll put his helmet back on, eager to go back behind the armor. He surprises her by setting down his helmet to the side. He looks at her and asks, "So, how do we take down the Composer?"

He is trying to bring them both to familiar territory while giving her something that she needs in her current state. She loves him more in that moment than any other.

She pushes herself to focus on his question, giving him what information she has on the Composer and the Didact. Destroying the Composer while in Slipspace is a suicide mission, but they work out the details to get them close to the Composer so that when they return to normal space, they will be ready to attack. She knows this is an near-impossible task but with John's luck, Cortana has to admit there is a chance they will save earth and finally be home.

An hour passes and the voices of doubt start to creep in again. John has yet to put on his helmet, allowing Cortana to study him more openly than she ever has before. She loves him, she knows this. She suspects he knows it too, but doesn't know what to do with the information.

It's not like he could love her. A machine.

No, not a machine.

 _A monster._

The voice, full of condescension and contempt, fills her matrices.

She is a machine. A monster. Or some wretched combination of the two. She's not human, no matter how much she wants to be, and right now, being here with John, she admits just how much she wants that.

"Cortana."

She ignores him as the anguish of her thoughts torment her. How long will it take for him to forget about her?

"Cortana, please."

She looks up at him, expecting to see the distorted reflection of herself in his visor before remembering his earlier action. His eyebrows are furrowed and he is looking at her closely. The fear in his eyes has returned.

"They think I'm a monster like her. Like Halsey." She lets the quiet confession slip through reluctant lips, but she needs him to know.

"Who?"

"The scientists on the station. They were afraid of me, of what I am." Cortana slumps down, sitting with her knees drawn close to her body. "When they discovered that I was in their systems, they tried to lock me out. Like I was some kind of rogue program."

She holds back a wave of anger that threatened to overtake her. Didn't they know what she had gone through to keep humanity safe?

"I accessed the UNSC database when we were on the station." She sees John frown; she knows he understands the dangers of her consuming massive amounts of data in her current state. "I only accessed the files pertaining to you and me. And while officially you are hailed as a modern day hero to be marketed to the war weary public, my legacy is one to be clouded with suspicion and distrust. ONI. Osman. Even other AIs in the UNSC. They all think of me something to be feared."

There was another, more dangerous, creature who feared, yet admired her too. She swallows the lump of disgust lodged in her throat. "The Gravemind is on that list too."

John shifts in his seat, his face blank. She understands his reluctance to think about that horrible course of events and wonders why that time hasn't been purged from her memory while so many good times have been.

"They all are afraid of the power I have. Or could have if I could just stop this madness from taking over. Forget the Covenant or the Flood, _I_ could be humanity's biggest threat." She shakes her head, a bark of laughter harshly fills the cabin.

It is not a pleasant sound.

John leans forward, considering her. "I'm not afraid of you."

"Maybe you should be, Chief." She knows that he has become her anchor to humanity. "Without you here to ground me, I don't want to think what I could become."

He leans back slightly. There is a ghost of a smile on his lips. "Good thing I'm here."

She doesn't share in the lightness of the moment. Not when the voices are still there, demanding that she listen to them. If something happens to John before their mission is complete, she knows she will not fight against the madness. Her lips turn downward. "Maybe Del Rio was right and-"

"No." His hand moves closer to her, as if trying to protect her from the captain's order.

She raises an eyebrow, wondering if he realizes how protective of her he has become since he found her on _High Charity_. "You do realize that you aren't exactly the most impartial person on the subject, right?" She finds herself leaning into his hand even though she can't feel it.

He doesn't move his hand away.

He is indulging her. She doesn't know whether she loves or hates him more because of it. Her pride and humility are battling with each other, but underneath it, she is trying to be happy she has someone who is doing his best to take care of her.

The moment passes and she moves away. She looks up at him, wanting to see his face when she says her next sentence. "Your service record is going to be tarnished because of what you did for me on the _Infinity_."

His answer is swift and sincere. "It doesn't matter."

But it does to her. Decades of service would be stained with his insubordination to protect her.

A machine.

A monster.

Her hands moves to her ears again. Can't she just have this little time alone with John without _them_ inferring?

John is simply watching her when her hands drop to her sides. She is more than a little embarrassed, but he says nothing.

"It's getting worse. You know that." Suddenly, her 24 hour estimate seems too optimistic.

"You'll be fine." Denial and luck, John has both in spades.

"And what if I'm not? What if I am that monster that they fear? What will you do then?" Her voice is a whisper. She cannot hear it over the wails of rampancy swirling in her mind.

But John can. "I will not give up on you, Cortana."

She doesn't understand his commitment to her. Is it because of the assignment he had been given on Reach or does his dedication mean something more?

"I nearly got you killed at Ivanoff Station." There it is. The guilt. The shame.

John brushes off her confession. "You were distracted."

"I was out of control," she counters. She can't even recall what she was saying before she caused them to crash on the station.

He is not swayed by her rebuttal. "You got us there."

"Barely."

"It was enough." There is no condemnation in his voice.

She studies him for a moment. "You don't see it, do you? What I have become?"

"You're putting your life before others. You're finishing the mission." He leans forward. She knows he has deliberately put his hand within her reach. "You're being a soldier."

Cortana doesn't reply. She doesn't have the strength of John's convictions. Instead, she turns her head and looks out the window, watching space streak by.

A not quite peaceful silence settles over the cabin. She knows she needs to tell John the entire truth of what she found on the Ivanoff Station. "Unofficially, they said you were one of her monsters too, you know."

A look of determination passes over his face. "Then, I guess we'll have to prove them wrong, won't we?"


End file.
